The Humble Farmer

Banquet Speaker, Entertainer, Humorist

Location: St. George, Maine, United States

I enjoy standing on stages in front of sober people who like to laugh. I enjoy playing bass in a jazz band.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

January 14, 2005 ------ Radio Rants

While searching for places on the Internet that mentioned The humble Farmer, I found this in a Wall Street Journal article that mentioned me and Uncle Henry’s. Who do you suppose ran this ad in Uncle Henry’s? "Three pairs of skis, two pairs of ski boots, three pairs of crutches and walker, real cheap."
I think about things. If you also think about things, it might be because you don’t have enough to do and I suggest that you find something to occupy your hands. This is why they say idle hands are the devil’s workshop. If you are busy you can’t think and thinking does not always give you a productive feeling of well being. This morning I was thinking about James Bond, which you might agree is about as unproductive as you can get when it comes to thinking. Because you have never wasted your time thinking about Bond, James Bond, you should know that James Bond is a good guy who zips about the globe while fighting powerful evil men. And for years I wondered how evil men like Dr. No and Goldfinger could find seemingly expendable cadres of people to aid them in their bloody pursuits of world domination. I hope you won’t think about this, because if you do, you will realize, as I just did, that there are millions of people out there who honestly like them.
humble. I've got to tell you that your Friday evening show is part of our weekly ritual. We enjoy eating out quite often but on Fridays after grocery shopping, we order a foot long Italian sub sandwich, which we split and share, along with chips and drinks; we sit in our truck and listen to your show while we eat. I don't imagine that you ever thought of yourself as a Maine version of "Dinner Theater"? Love the show and appreciate your humor.
According to a Rockland psychologist, the beautiful woman, like the plain woman, is plagued with doubts and fears. The beautiful woman knows that her plain sisters are envious --- jealous and afraid of what she can do without even trying --- a wink in the right direction would be enough. If she wants any woman friends, she must slouch and dress in baggy clothes, frizz her hair and avoid showing her perfect teeth in a smile. Look for her on Main Street the next time you go to town.
A Thomaston man, who is in the hospital recovering from a heart attack, is in the same room as a mailman from Augusta who only shot seven deer in his whole life.
The poor Thomaston man had to listen to that mailman shoot every one of those deer over and over and over, from the time he filled his thermos at 4 A. M. until he digested the meat.
But the poor Augusta man looks gray, and the wife of the Thomaston man asked her ailing husband what was going to happen to his roommate.
“He’s going to die,” the Thomaston man whispered. “I’m going to kill him if he tells one of them deer stories again.”
As I am now a landlocked captain out here in California I miss being anchored in my boat in Penobscot bay listening to your show on one of those beautiful fall evenings that defy description. Your voice and a few tunes were all I needed. - Captain Sean (Dana point Ca.)
Dear humble, The magic toothpaste tube... You asked why you were still getting toothpaste out of an empty tube. Since you have read quantum mechanics I'm surprised you ask. You will recall that a photon behaves either as a wave or as a particle depending on how you observe it. The same is true of your toothpaste tube. The first time you observed it as an empty tube and it was. The next day, and days since, you observed it as a tube with one shot left. Therefore it continues to behave as a tube with a little left.
This same phenomena also explains marriage behavior. Before marriage you observe your significant other in one manner and they behave accordingly. AFTER marriage you observe them in an altogether different manner so of course they behave accordingly. It is the same for men and women. Marriage also illustrates another oddity of quantum mechanics: That is that time is a variable. When a woman goes out shopping with friends she is only gone for a few minutes even though to you it appears as many hours. On the other hand that fix-it project she asked you to do on her way out the door will be quite different. She will recall asking you months ago and why isn't it done yet? In the world of quantum mechanics things are very strange. Carl
A couple of weeks ago, you described the works of cartoonist George Booth, whom you mistakenly named “Price”. (Of course, he is priceless!) I’m your friend from the Whole Life Tent - we met and hugged at out old stomping ground this Fall. It just so happens that I’m a great admirer of Booth’s cartoons myself, and have an extra copy of his book, Think Good Thoughts About a Pussycat” (copyright 1975). I believe you’ll enjoy it. If you’d be good enough to send me your address, I’ll mail it right out to you. I spied it in a used bookstore and snatched it right up, not knowing where it would be headed, but realizing I couldn’t let it languish there. Hoping you and your lovely, longsuffering wife have the best of winters, I look forward to seeing you at next year’s Common Ground Fair.
When I was a kid, I could have easily learned Finnish or Swedish because many of my neighbors were either Swedes or Finns. You have heard me say that when I was 6 or 7 years old, the older boys taught those of us who were little how to swear and say the most terrible things in Finnish. The other day I wrote to the Finnish Embassy, told them about this, and asked if there were any websites where I could learn some more Finnish words. Here’s the reply I got. “Glad to hear about your interest in Finnish language. I'm afraid you could easily understand half of the conversations teenagers have in Helsinki streetcars today with the few words you learned from your friends.” It would appear that over the past 60 years, nothing has changed.
+ Did you know that there are people whose hobby is teasing Nigerian scammers? I Googled Olu Martins, who sent me my most recent Nigerian scam letter and found a picture of Olu Martins on the web page of 419eater. 419eater has nothing better to do than exchange emails with Nigerian scammers. 419 eater will tell the scammer that he will gladly send $30,000 to pay the tax and duties on 25 million dollars, but to make sure he is sending it to the right person Olu Martins has to print certain words on a cardboard sign and email back a photograph of himself holding this sign. There is even a trophy page where these people who tease scammers vie to post the most ridiculous pictures of Nigerians. One scammer was pouring milk on his head. Several had signs that said, “I am a Rat” or some obscene comment written phonemically. One picture, which I will make sure my wife never sees, was a Nigerian scammer without a stitch on. Everyone has to have a hobby, and baiting Nigerian scammers, although time consuming and unproductive, is harmless and certainly entertaining. On the other end, I suppose the scammers figure they really don’t have anything to lose by sending silly pictures to rich Americans and Europeans. You have probably heard that their estimated yearly take is around 100 million a year.
Jon over in Stratham NH sent me a newspaper called Wire. And in Wire I read, for the first time in a couple of years, Chuck Shepherd’s News of The Weird. The News of the Weird is a weekly chronicle of the continuing decline of civilization. One of the comments was about a guy who was still in jail even though DNA had now proven that he was innocent. So I Googled that prisoner, just like you do when you want to know about anything, and I found a web page with a list of people who had been found innocent by DNA and released after years and years in jail --- and other people who had been found innocent by DNA who are still in jail. Interesting thing, isn’t it. You can be innocent, have a fair trial, and still end up in jail. But, hey, we all make mistakes.
Chuck Shepherd advertises The News of the Weird as a weekly chronicle of the continuing decline of civilization. It is my understanding that he is being put out of business by the evening news. ----- Here's a sample: In a September issue of the London Review of Books, Slovenian philosopher Slavoj Zisek made the point that the essential ideological differences in German, French and British-American societies, as noted by Hegel and others, can be represented by their countries' respective toilet designs. The German toilet's evacuation hole is in the front, facilitating "inspection and analysis," but the French design places the hole in the rear, so that waste disappears quickly. The British-American toilet allows floatation, which of course signals that society's "utilitarian pragmatism." Zisek described his theory as an "excremental correlative-counterpoint" to a framework identified with French philosopher Claude Levi-Strauss. [Boston Globe, 9-12-04]
And in Watertown, Mass., a playful Kudzai Kwenda, 23, accidentally locked handcuffs on his wrist at home in October, and figured they would know how to get them off at the local police station, but shortly after arrival, he was jailed because he had apparently forgotten there was an arrest warrant out against him. [Hartford Courant, 10-21-04] [Boston Herald, 10-15-04]
A journal study by Maastricht University in The Netherlands concluded that even the air quality alongside major highways is not as dangerous as the air inside the typical church (with candles, incense and poor ventilation).
Archaeologists excitedly announced in October that in examining ruins on the Wittenberg, Germany, property of 16th-century philosopher Martin Luther, they discovered the actual stone toilet on which he composed the manifesto that launched the Protestant Revolution. (Luther suffered chronic constipation and thus spent much of his days on the toilet.) [Tennessean, 10-23-04] [Chicago Sun-Times, 10-22-04]
Least Competent Criminal It was one of the classics, but it happened anew, in Bloomington, Ill., in October. Donald R. Hilger was arrested and charged with robbing 11 local businesses over the previous two weeks. He was picked up shortly after a robbery of a Jewel/Osco store, and police brought two of that robbery's witnesses by the arrest scene to see if they could identify him. According to police, however, as soon as the employees spotted Hilger, Hilger pointed at one of them and blurted out, "That's the one I robbed." [Pantagraph (Bloomington), 10-15-04]
Robert- Your toothpaste experience bears striking resemblance to the Hanuka Story, You weren't in some holy place, were you? The oil burned eight days when it should only last for one. They made an entire holiday out of it. You could have your own personal holiday. You don't need a scientific explanation, you've already got a theological one. Trust the force, dude. Perhaps you could write a hymn, maybe a whole cantata. Olga
Young people don’t realize that there are many advantages to being old. For example, this afternoon when I got hankering for a hot drink, I went out to the kitchen and found one that I’d put in the microwave an hour before.
Not read on show: Humble, Tony learned bees from his grandmother, who lived to be over 100 years old in central New Jersey. It is not unusual to meet old beekeepers, and it is very unusual to meet a beekeeper with arthritis. The stinging is supposed to promote the bodies’ defense mechanisms. You have probably heard of apitherapy, or bee sting therapy, where people actually have someone use bees to sting them in the affected areas. I have met many people who utilize this practice, and there is an excellent book called Bees Don’t Get Arthritis, which chronicles the journey of a man around the U.S. in search of material on this subject. I went to a beekeepers conference ion MA. many years ago where the guest speaker was a youngest woman who has MS, and she told the story about how she was largely incapacitated until she began the sting therapy. She then had upwards of 50 people per month coming to her house to be stung. I know this sounds insane, but it actually goes back to the ancient Greeks (Herodotus) who utilized this practice. Even the big drug companies have utilized bee venom in their research, probably because they felt threatened, and they had heard so much about the results of the sting therapy. There was at one time, and may still be today, a company that would ship tubes of live bees for people doing the apitherapy work, which is particularly useful during the winter months when opening the hives would be damaging to the bees. You would keep them in the fridge with a paper towel soaked in honey, and take them out with tweezers as you needed them. Many years I was working on a political campaign with Bruce Reeves and Lance Tapley to have an elected Public Utilities Commission. I was dropping off some materials at a meals site in Freeport when I was asked to say a few words on the topic. After I finished, a hand went up in the back from an elderly gentlemen. I acknowledged him, and he asked where I was from. I knew what he was asking, but wasn’t about to let him get away with it easily. “Buxton” was my reply, as that was where I was living at the time. “No”, he said with a great Maine drawl, “where are you from?” “Do you mean where was I born?” I replied. “Yes” he said. “New Jersey” was my answer. “I thought so” he said. Without a thought came this answer. “I don’t know about you sir, but I didn’t have any control over where my mother happened to be when I was born”. The old ladies howled. The old man came up to me afterwards, extended his hand, and nodded at me. No words were spoken, but we both knew where the other stood. Best regards, Mark
The more I think about it, the more I believe that if I had my life to live over, as soon as I got out of high school I’d live abroad for six or eight years. You’ve heard me say that a kid could work for room and board in France for 6 months while learing French and the art of repairing washing machines. At the same time he could develop contacts for his move to other countries. At the end of 6 months, he’d go to Germany or Spain and work as a go fer in a garage for six months. Then on to Italy to work for an electrician for six months. Computers in Sweden, plumbing in Portugal, woodworking in Finland, agriculture in Russia, perhaps even a bulldozer mechanic in Israel. Imagine what an education you’d have before you were 30. You’d have a conversational ability in a dozen languages and you’d be able to fix most anything. For the rest of your life you’d be able to amaze a Frenchman with your facility with his language --- as long as you were clever enough to direct the topic to washing machines. I got to thinking about this again this morning while watching half a dozen good neighbors helping a man repair his home. It wouldn’t have taken you more than a minute to realize that you would have asked three of the “pound it with the sharp edge of a two by four and it will fit” fellows to go home. And that’s what got me thinking about this. Even earning high honors in your PhD exam in chemical engineering won’t help you know how much torque you can apply to a nut before you strip the threads.
From Susan: Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?
Not read on show but worth mentioning : In response to my comments about road rage, a radio friend sent me a table that ranks the states due to aggressive driving. The ultimate measurement is deaths per 100,000. Here are the 24 most aggressive states. It starts out with the most dangerous one, South Carolina, where 15 drivers out of 100,000 got blown away because of road rage.

1 South Carolina 15.1
2 Wyoming 13.9
3 Alabama 13.7
4 Kansas 13.7
5 Oklahoma 13.6
6 New Mexico 12.9
7 North Carolina 12.4
8 Arkansas 12.4
9 Idaho 11.9
10 Florida 11.7
11 Missouri 10.8
12 Mississippi 10.5
13 Tennessee 10.2
14 Montana 10.2
15 Texas 9.9
16 Arizona 9.8
17 Utah 9.7
18 Nevada 9.7
19 North Dakota 9.6
20 South Dakota 9.6
21 Georgia 9.4
22 Colorado 9.3
23 Kentucky 9.0
24 Nebraska 8.7 Blow them away. Yippi Ki Oh Ki A

And here are the six states where you are least likely to get shot because of road rage.

45 Connecticut 4.5
46 New Jersey 4.1
47 New Hampshire 4.1
48 New York 3.7
49 Massachusetts 3.3
50 Rhode Island 3.1

You just heard two lists of the states where enraged people are or are not likely to whip out a gun and shoot you. Did you notice that it might also give you a hint of how they’ll vote in a presidential election?


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